I typically start a post when I feel inspired about something, whether it be a word God has given me or wisdom conveyed by a friend or loved one that occupies my thoughts. It’s more difficult for me to write my thoughts in the moments of silence that invariably come in this journey as a Christ-follower. Silence has been my domain for the past couple of weeks. It’s strange that silence can speak so loudly. In the midst of seeking, surrendering and listening, the silence can become consuming, enveloping, and almost distracting. Questioning why I’m not hearing can overtake every other thought and distract me from listening well.

Since our return from Kenya, my thoughts have been fixated on what our role will be there, how we will fit into the team, and what God intends for us in using our talents and abilities to further His kingdom.  I feel like I have been praying and seeking, but the answer has not yet come. To be more precise, the concrete answer that my controlling nature seeks is not readily apparent.  God certainly responded to me when I first posed these questions to Him.  He instructed me to fall on my face before Him.  Not only to seek His guidance moment by moment, but also to assume a posture of complete humility.  Rather than running ahead of Him, carried by the winds of my own plans, ideas, strategies, and efforts, He implores me to walk beside Him until our separate foot falls become one.

It’s not that my plans or ideas are uninspired by His spirit.  Perhaps they are.  Or perhaps they are too constricted or less complete than what He intends.  Either way, He is simply asking me to surrender them to Him in humility and to allow Him creative license to shape and mold me to His plan.  That’s no easy tasking for someone who has ordered her life around working the plan, guided by a drive to succeed and achieve.  Thus, it is difficult for me to ask a complex question and not receive an immediate answer other than, “Just walk with Me.”  Is it really that simple?

Even in writing this post, I am trying to shift my perspective from fixating on “the question” to just abiding in God’s presence, even if that means accepting the silence.  As someone who loves language and words, I want to fill the void, to disrupt the discomfort that silence brings.  But maybe God is just asking me to be still before Him.  Maybe recognizing the silence means I have been speaking too much.